Keeping it short and (hopefully) sweet – WIPpet Wednesday

It’s WIPpet Wednesday again, and this time I’m going to keep it short and sweet!

First let me thank K.L. Schwengel for the opportunity to share, and everyone who supported me last week. I rewrote the introduction and it’s looking better. I’m almost happy with it!

So you’ve been introduced to Audrey, you’ve had a taste of the shift from Keith’s perspective, so the snippet this week will be Audrey’s first introduction to interdimensional travel. For the math I’ve added up the numbers in the year and provided 7 paragraphs.

I shook my head, trying to clear the humming in my ears. The sounds were duller now, my vision blurred. I was looking through some kind of membrane and it was closing in on me. It pulled me further and further inside, until I wanted to scream for it to end.

My father hadn’t prepared me for this. If I could see the enemy I could fight, but I had no way of defending myself against this.

Heat travelled along my skin, but it didn’t burn. There was no pain. I held onto that as everything faded and I was engulfed by a shocking blast of light. It was everywhere. Even when I closed my eyes it pierced right through me.

I couldn’t deny the strange pull; a demand in my blood that told me to let go. I had little choice but to obey.

In the next moment a wave of nausea caught me unaware and I clenched my teeth to control it. The light receded, little by little and my skin felt clammy now, rather than hot.

The silence was deafening and though I was afraid, I opened my eyes, holding my breath until the spinning stopped. The world settled around me slowly, sharpening as I exhaled the air caught in my lungs.

I was no longer at home. I was out in the open, somewhere strangely familiar.

 Thanks, as always, for reading. I look forward to catching up on your news.

Mel

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58 Comments

Love the intensity in this scene! You really are great at drawing the reader into how the character is feeling! Brilliant 🙂

    Thanks, Mishka 🙂 I still prefer third person, but I’m okay with mixing it up a little for this series. I appreciate the comment.

      It’s always good to try something different, and you certainly don’t seem to have struggled with it!

      I’ll take that compliment 😉 I’m glad I haven’t droned on about my problems with it (because how boring would that be!). It’s nice to know it’s coming together and, you’re right -now it’s (almost) over I can say it’s good to try something different 🙂 Thanks again.

This is a great description. I had a clear image of the process for the interdimensional travel, and it doesn’t sound too great, actually!

I really enjoyed this. I could imagine the feeling of traveling through time, and I have to agree with Emily, it doesn’t sound too great!

    Thanks, Rachel. I think it’s something they learn to deal with, but I wouldn’t like to experience it – I have to admit! I really appreciate the feedback and am glad you enjoyed it 🙂

This is vivid. I love the intensity of it—it’s easy to put myself in Audrey’s place and know what she’s experiencing. I’m usually a bit of a minimalist (I can’t stand overly descriptive, wordy writing), but for something like this, it’s perfect. The part about the intensity of the light is great.

That is a very intense description and I don’t think it’s something I would ever want to experience. I love the way you painted that scene. It’s like I could go through it with her. Masterfully done.

    Thanks so much for the compliment. I’m glad the scene worked well, and appreciate the feedback. I’m feeling much better about the WIP after my (minor) breakdown! She seems to be cooperating with me at the moment 🙂

Nicely done. It’s so difficult to write something you’ve never experienced (I assume this is one of those, and not like the pain of a massive migraine ending). I’d change one line: the first, just to get rid of the gerund: “I shook my head to clear the hum in my ears”. Two gerunds gone. Not having read the rest, not sure if that works!

I will be reading more. Keep it up!

This is so intriguing Mel. I really like it. 🙂 Sorry I missed last week’s – I meant to comment on more including yours, but time just kind of spun away from me!

I’m curious to know what preceded this and what follows it.

Thanks for stopping by my blog during the Follow Fest! It sounds like you’re working on something really interesting!

I love this! So many people would just skim over a scene like this and say “oh she transported somewhere else and familiar” but I really love that you didn’t. I think it shows a great deal of creativity and imagination on your part.

Whoa! Love all the details about a disorienting experience. Very nicely done. Interdimensional travel? Wow! I’m wondering about her emotional reaction – she seems almost clinical when noting her experiences. Is that by design? Perhaps it’s her personality? Or perhaps you’ve included the emotion elsewhere. If it were me I’d probably be freaking the hell out, lol. Depends on the circumstances, though, of course.

Way to suck me into a scene and make my stomach lurch. 😉 You’ve really sunk us into the character and the sensations she’s dealing with. i don’t think I’d like to try it.

You do a really good job depicting her strange experience without resorting to cliches. I liked it a lot.

I’m sitting her wondering if she actually does get sick…yikes! What an experience!

It kind of reminds me of the early days of the transporter.

    I’d probably be sick! Thanks for commenting 🙂

      I’m almost sure I would be. Not my kinda fun, that!

      lol – I put her through some trials! But she gets to have a little fun too. So that’s okay – I think 😉

      Well, the trip might be worth it, if the fun’s fun enough! =D

      Ha! I know one ‘Trip’ who is worth it, but he’s spoken for 😉

      DEFINITELY spoken for. And shoved into the wall, and pinned to the floor…

      T’Pol is a woman of ACTION! ;D

      And you can’t blame her for that! I like a woman who knows what she wants 🙂

      Maybe we shouldn’t tell her that I had a dream the other night that Connor Trinneer invited me out to have popcorn with him, hmnnn?

      I mean, I kind of like having all my parts attached….

      And it was a weird dream that ended up with a woman with a house supposedly full of fox mementos, but I didn’t see any when she invited me in – and there was a fire burning underneath the floor of her fireplace…

      Umm, yeah. NOT a very logical dream, and I never did get my popcorn!

      Damn, you could have roasted some popcorn over the fire! I love dreams like that, so illogical, but lots of fun 🙂

      And your secret is safe with me. I wouldn’t even like to be in the same room when someone broke the news! Not that I wouldn’t have your back 😉

      It’s good to know you’ve got it. Fortunately for me, my spouse was amused….but, T’Pol- she’s the jealous type, for SURE!

      The jealous type with intense emotions and a wicked amount of strength! Still, at least you didn’t rock your own boat 😉 You could have always used research as a defence!

      He’s used to me…and he’s ALWAYS had to share me with Trek. AND he doesn’t complain about looking at T’Pol.

      Oddly, though, he almost always leaves the room when I watch Castle… and I think Castle had something to do with that dream, because Connor had hot coffee and he didn’t offer me any…and there was a Castle coffee scene this week.

      And the fire was small, but dangerous, like one my son and I prevented at the Y – and I saw a fox at the side of the road a week or two back…

      But of course I watched Enterprise before bed, and I’m a few episodes from the end and all emotionally charged, and asking myself if I want to subject myself to the last travesty (umm, episode), or stop at the perfect ending place….

      I lead a very inventive dream life, which I’m convinced leads to a rather inventive waking life….

      But I feel like I owe Connor and his wife an apology – nothing like dragging innocent bystanders into your dreams!

      SO, really, T’Pol – it wasn’t your guy I wanted

      All those connections. It’s a dangerous thing to have a mind so full of stories, ready to build a new world at the drop of a hat. When we dream we pull everything (and everyone) in.

      I’m liking your defence, I think T’Pol will take a little more convincing, but it’s a fair point 🙂

      I rarely remember my dreams, which is a shame. I enjoy waking up and piecing them together. The last one I remember I was a bee, a bumble-bee to be exact, and I flew into a microwave. Don’t worry, I didn’t explode or anything dramatic, when the door closed. I spun a little, buzzing in annoyance until the door opened and I was in a different world! As far as symbolism goes, my name in Greek means honey-bee, and I’ve always wanted to explore new realities (am in fact doing so in my WIP), so there’s a tenuous link or two!

      My husband doesn’t often remember his, either – but mine are often so vivid it’s as though I lived them.

      I never dream I’m anything that flies.

      I love that the microwave annoyed bumblebee you without killing you!

      lol – I’m bad ass as a bee! Radiation, ha, I laugh in the face of radiation!

      Let’s not forget, either, that she knows how to USE that strength – and doesn’t know how to handle all these powerful emotions!

      Yikes!

Whoa, that was intense! I like. :]

Oh, my. I felt immersed in her world, in what she was feeling, experiencing. Feeling heat without it burning, all over her skin. Light that penetrated even through closed eyelids… Beautiful. It’s that right kind of description. Not too long, not too flowery or technical, but it involves the senses, is right to the point, and I’m sucked in to what she’s describing. WANTING to experience that because it sounds really cool, interdimensional travel.

Great job!!

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